C'est la vie, mais le monde n'attend pas

A few years ago, I let my heart take a bit of a bruising. I allowed myself to be played and then convinced myself that deep down I had known all along, trying to justify my naivety. Then, last March, when I finally realised I was still stuck on a treadmill at the starting line, I called it a day and attempted to start over. I had the freedom, but lacked the courage, and so it all just got swept under the rug. Out of sight, out of mind.

A new year has begun, and I'm ready now, to leave it all behind. This will be my final post to this journal. I'll soon start another, but there'll be no announcement or grand return. Should you happen to find me, we'll be strangers once again. Understand, I'm not running away, and I'm not hiding. I'm perfectly happy to build new friendships with anyone who wanders my way, but all of the thin, golden cords that run over the oceans between my heart and others have, with time, all burned out.

I'm ill. Again. I spent Christmas day coughing and blowing my nose and trying not to fall over.

I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest.

I'm so sick of this bullshit. I want to smash things.

The past couple of weeks have been so eventful, but at the same time, not. You know when everything is just completely chaotic but you never really achieve anything by the end of it? It's the little things that grace your days that really stand out, like watching your friend slip up bum first on ice, or being caught looking a bit gormless with a mouthful of tuna and salad wrap by someone you like while out Christmas shopping, or a really great (albeit brief) hug from someone who, okay, may be ridiculously drunk, but means a lot to you and doesn't give hugs very often.

Yesterday, it was a rather cute text that made me smile in the back seat of my dad's car, (printer on my lap), as we set off to leave the lights of the city behind. I'd messaged a few people to say I was off, and one replied:

"Ok bambino, have a white christmas you'll never forget, ha. Much love x"

I wonder what the new year will bring for me. Not change, I hope. I love Leicester, and my course, and my friends. I'm finally happy.

I wish I were the size and shape that I was three years ago.

I wish I could go home tomorrow instead of having to wait until after Friday.

I wish I still had the self-discipline and time to get back into maintaining an art journal.




I am, once again, beginning to fade from Tyler's mind, as I had expected.

Lately, I've been going back to colour some of the linearts in my old art journal.

I'm fed up of living in an igloo and plan to buy a heater.

Today, I finally got round to uploading my photos from Halloween.

Today feels grey. I don't know why. I had a wonderful night last night, made a few new friends, and tonight is set to be even better. There's a superheroes theme for charity and Harry and I are going as Team Rocket from Pokemon because we thought it was superheroes and villains. I guess villains are still heroes, depending on what kind of person you are..



Wait. I know why. I made a friend last night who reminded me of someone I used to be close to.
Canadian boy, I miss you. I hate you, but I miss you.